woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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