How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
