then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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