well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
