6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
