your parents love me but you hate me
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
