are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
