I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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