I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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