$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
