I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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