Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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