Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
