i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
