Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
