Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
even my farts smell like vagina
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
