From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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