i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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