the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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