...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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