you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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