This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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