I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
