how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
