you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
