You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
