Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just pee around me
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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