I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
