isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
