I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
