At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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