My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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