phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
