Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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