that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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