I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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