You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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