Dual....:-)
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
