I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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