she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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