you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
