Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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