I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
