So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
