I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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