i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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