Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
