Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
At least life still wants to fuck me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
