a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
