no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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