did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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