I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
