i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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