the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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