The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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