there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
