Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
