He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
love makes seman taste better
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
