Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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