Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
