3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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